Balancing Act

Tonight I was in tears as I found myself stuck at a crossroads. In one arm I was holding a stack of equestrian books and in the other I was carrying my almost 4 week old baby.

I dedicatedly rode my horse until I was 5 months pregnant with every hope to continue riding after my baby was born and my body was recovered. But unfortunately Ben coliced and died unexpectedly right when I was about to put my riding career on hold. Having him taken away from me so suddenly really made me upset and wonder for what reason this was all occurring. It took me a long time to come to terms with his death and I think what really got me through it all was the fact that I had no choice but to give up riding for the time being since I was 5 months pregnant and it was just getting too risky and uncomfortable.

But tonight as I held my sweet baby in my arms and the pile of books in the other I knew there was no way I could handle both at the same time. No matter how hard I tried one was going to slip out of my hands. Knowing I could never drop my baby and that his life is more important, I was forced to let all my books topple to the floor and as I did so it brought tears to my eyes. It was like I was closing a door on something that I have loved to do for so long and was now being forced down a new road that didn't seem to have an end in sight.

While I do enjoy being a mom it's truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There are many days that I absolutely hate it and just want to give it all up. But I've never felt that way about horses. The more I learn about them I just want to learn even more. Even after having a rough ride or bad fall, I want to get right back on and try again. Horses are my passion and for a long time have been my outlet.

Now with trying to raise 3 boys I feel like I don't have anytime to be ME anymore and am loosing myself in the process. Motherhood is truly the most selfless act of service you can do since it requires so much of your time.

I am truly grateful for my mother and all that she sacrificed to raise her five kids. I don't know how she did it or if she ever felt like me, because there are many days that I truly don't like the mom that I am and feel like I'm just doing such a horrible job. Patience is not one of my fortes and I am tried with this on a daily basis. I'm sure, or at least I'm hoping, that things will get better as my boys age and I'll be allowed to have more free time to be able to discover my true self and talents once again.

But for now I guess the scale has tipped and the books will remain scattered across the floor. Hopefully with time I'll be able to start picking them up and discovering myself again....

It's Been 3 Months...

... and it's still hard.

I miss you Ben and ever since you died I feel like a part of me has been missing.

I'm grateful for the riding time we spent together on trails and at Barnabee.

You were a beautiful and fun horse to have.

I hope that someday I'll be able to have another special horsey relationship.

I will take what you've taught me and learn and grow even more.

Thank you Ben for being a part of my life!

Cute Barn

My Mom and I were driving around on Bainbridge this morning and when we drove past this cute little barn I just had to stop and take a picture. Someday when Jeff and I ever get around to building on our property this is about the size and style of barn I'd like. It looks like it could easily hold 4-6 stalls, a hay loft, main aisle, tack room, feed room and wash rack. Ahhh to dream!

Meet Micha!!

Technically I haven't even met him yet, but here is a photo of Jamie's new horse, Micha. He is 3/4 TB and 1/4 WB, 4 years old, 16.1 hands and growing. She bought him a couple of weeks ago and has started training him. She offered for me to half lease him from her once I get back into riding again in the Spring. So we shall see if it all works out. I've never ridden such a young and untrained horse before, but with Jamie doing all of the training and being able to take lessons from her for free, it seems like it would be a great deal. I just don't how its all going to work out with having 3 kids and what type of free time I'll have and how much of that I'll be able to dedicate to riding again. But what I do know is that the next horse I ride I do not want to own. It's such a commitment to own a horse and I just don't feel I can give them what they deserve, unless it's considered a pet like Jena and Cisco who we occasionally ride just for fun. So half-leasing is definitely something I'll consider and hopefully it will work out since I'd really like to be able to ride again. I've been really missing it lately but with being pregnant and knowing all that is in store for me in the future with a newborn to take care of, I'm willing to take a break for a while and get back in the saddle again once I'm able to fully commit to it.

Show Time for Cisco!

Here are some photos that Tasha passed on to me of Cisco at a horse show in August, a few weeks before we brought him home to live with Jena. He's being ridden here by on of Tasha's friends in a halter bareback walk-trot class. He's such a flashy little guy and is so mild mannered that riding bareback and without a bridle is really what he likes the best. They ended up getting 2nd place. Way to go Cisco!

Meet our New Pony Friend, CISCO!!

This morning my dad and I woke up extra early to head over to Maple Valley to pick up Cisco. I met him last week at Serenity Farm an Equine Rescue and Rehabilitation facility. He's a sweet little 13.3 hand Appaloosa gelding. He's super friendly and loves being rubbed, scratched, hugged and petted all over. He follows you around the pasture like a big puppy dog and is very mild mannered. When I first met him he was in a pasture with 5 other horses and was in the middle of eating his breakfast. When we walked into his field he stopped eating and walked right over to us for a snuggle. I don't think I've ever met a horse that has given up his food for human attention before. It made my decision making very easy after knowing what a sweet guy he is and how calm he is around other horses and people.

We met up with Tasha this morning at Serenity Farm at 7:15am signed our lease agreement and then were on the road again at 7:40am. We easily caught the 8:45am ferry back to Bainbridge and by 10am Cisco was settled in his new pasture. The first thing he did was find the sandiest spots and rolled all over marking his territory. He loved it!

Here he posing for the camera after I brushed him off. Such a handsome fellow!

We picked up Jena from Barnabee at 2pm and brought her back to meet her new pony friend. For the first few hours we kept them separated since Jena is just coming out of a heat cycle and was being extra sensitive and frisky towards him. But after a few hours alone we let them out together and they are getting along great. We are excited for this new addition to our horsey family and look forward to lots of pony riding in the future.

Jena at Barnbee

After Ben's death on Sunday we decided to bring our little pony Jena over to live at Barnabee farm for the week so she could be around other horsey friends and not be so lonely. She's had a great time all week and has proven to be the favorite mare among all the other horses there. The minute she walked off the trailer she had all the other horses in a frenzy. Even the older retired horses were kicking up their heels, arching their necks and prancing around their paddocks to show off to the new lady in town. She's been staying in the main barn next two geldings Pete and Dominic. Right when she saw Pete, she immediately went into heat and fell head over heels in love with him.

After our camping trip on Tuesday we stopped by to visit Jena and took her for a little ride in the covered arena. She was pretty nervous at first since the walls are too tall for her to see over and she didn't want to be separated from the other horses. Plus there were some silly crows tap dancing on the metal roof, which caused her to be extra sensitive. But after walking her around a few times she seemed to settle down a bit and then I let the boys take a little ride on her. She did pretty well for her first time in the big dressage arena given all the new sights, sounds and smells.

This afternoon we went over to ride her again and she did much better. She was really calm in the arena and both Jonah and Hyrum had a great time riding her around. I even lounged Hyrum and he did really well with posting at the trot and sitting up straight in the saddle. Jonah is also much more steady in the saddle than he used to be and has even started wanting to hold onto the reins while riding. They are both getting to be quite the little cowboys and the whole time they kept saying, "Faster Mommy! Faster! Ride 'em Cowboy!" It was fun!

After riding in the arena we took Jena out back around the 1/4 mile track and on the trails through the woods. She's such a little trooper! Ben was always too afraid to go on the trails and would require a ton of coaxing. The only time I think I even got him to go on the trails there was the few months right after I bought him (when he seemed to do everything perfectly for me) or if I dismounted and walked along side him. But not little Jena! She's such a little trailblazer and just went head on to the trail like she'd been there 1,000 times. She's such a perfect pony for the kids and I love her so much!

Tomorrow we will be bringing her back to my parent's house after her new pony friend Cisco arrives. I'm sure she'll miss all of her boyfriends she's made at Barnabee but I hope she adapts well with Cisco so we can all feel good about this new transition in our lives.

What Ben Taught Me

As I reflect on the past two years that Ben and I spent together, I realize that he has taught me way more than just how to be a better rider, but how to be a better person overall. Here is a list of things I wrote down the night after Ben passed away. I couldn't sleep very well that night so in tears I started writing down all of the things I've learned from him. It's amazing to me how strong the horse - human connection is and how much we can really learn from their quiet souls if we allow ourselves to mold with them.

-Trust

-Companionship

-Patience

-Love

-Loyalty

-Responsibility

-That I can't just do it all

-To be giving and light with my hands

-To not get in a fight but find other solutions to the problem

-To budget and be responsible with my money. Plan ahead!

-Body awareness

-To adjust my own position and balance first and then get the horse to follow under me

-Training takes time

-Creating harmony

-To have a set plan or expectations each time I ride and not just correct mistakes

-That every horse has hidden potential and once the horse trusts you they will be able to show it to you

-To overcome your fears and not let them interfere with your riding

-That horses are sensitive souls and can read your emotions

-That Ben would never harm anyone or anything

-How protective horses can be of their owners, remembering the one time I fell off of him in the woods and he could have easily galloped all the way home but instead stopped in his tracks and stood by me until I was able to stand up and mount him again and ride him home despite my pain.

-How dependent horses are on people and on each other for companionship and love. All he really wanted before I bought him was a friend and someone to create a relationship of trust with.

-How I will never own just one horse because they are too lonely by themselves. Every time I road him to Barnabee Jena would stand at the bottom of the field bidding him goodbye and would faithfully be there again waiting for his return. They would nicker to each other from the road and sniff noses once they were close enough again at the fence. Whenever Jena would hear us walking up she'd come running down to the bottom gate to greet us.

-How a horse can be dull to road noise but supper sensitive to something out of the ordinary like a plastic bag on the side of the road, or something that had been slightly moved or misplaced.

-How aware horses are to their surrounding and they don't like sudden change. Routine is best!

-That balancing riding and taking care of young children is super hard without the help of family and friends

-That every mom needs an out: an activity that they truly enjoy in which they can find themselves and focus on their own needs and no one else's for a few hours. Me time!

Thank you Ben for teaching me these important lessons and I hope that I'll be able to validate your life each day by demonstrating how I've grown in each of these areas for having spent the past two years of our lives together.