Balancing Act

Tonight I was in tears as I found myself stuck at a crossroads. In one arm I was holding a stack of equestrian books and in the other I was carrying my almost 4 week old baby.

I dedicatedly rode my horse until I was 5 months pregnant with every hope to continue riding after my baby was born and my body was recovered. But unfortunately Ben coliced and died unexpectedly right when I was about to put my riding career on hold. Having him taken away from me so suddenly really made me upset and wonder for what reason this was all occurring. It took me a long time to come to terms with his death and I think what really got me through it all was the fact that I had no choice but to give up riding for the time being since I was 5 months pregnant and it was just getting too risky and uncomfortable.

But tonight as I held my sweet baby in my arms and the pile of books in the other I knew there was no way I could handle both at the same time. No matter how hard I tried one was going to slip out of my hands. Knowing I could never drop my baby and that his life is more important, I was forced to let all my books topple to the floor and as I did so it brought tears to my eyes. It was like I was closing a door on something that I have loved to do for so long and was now being forced down a new road that didn't seem to have an end in sight.

While I do enjoy being a mom it's truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There are many days that I absolutely hate it and just want to give it all up. But I've never felt that way about horses. The more I learn about them I just want to learn even more. Even after having a rough ride or bad fall, I want to get right back on and try again. Horses are my passion and for a long time have been my outlet.

Now with trying to raise 3 boys I feel like I don't have anytime to be ME anymore and am loosing myself in the process. Motherhood is truly the most selfless act of service you can do since it requires so much of your time.

I am truly grateful for my mother and all that she sacrificed to raise her five kids. I don't know how she did it or if she ever felt like me, because there are many days that I truly don't like the mom that I am and feel like I'm just doing such a horrible job. Patience is not one of my fortes and I am tried with this on a daily basis. I'm sure, or at least I'm hoping, that things will get better as my boys age and I'll be allowed to have more free time to be able to discover my true self and talents once again.

But for now I guess the scale has tipped and the books will remain scattered across the floor. Hopefully with time I'll be able to start picking them up and discovering myself again....

Reevaluation and Transitions

Ben was a little feisty when I rode him this afternoon. I have really started to see what a difference 2 days a week of riding vs. 3 is doing to him. Last year thought 3 wasn't enough but was glad to be able to do it, but 2 just really isn't working for him. It almost seems like a waste of time, at least as far as his training goes. There are so many days in between his rides I have to refresh everything and spend so much time in his warm-up so that he will get over his stubbornness in the beginning of each ride. Maybe I just need to lower my expectation of him, I don't know. It's just really hard because I ride to train. I want to see progress. I want to obtain a true balanced connection with him. I've had glimpses of this with him and so I know he has the potential, but it's just not going to get there with such infrequent riding. The next time I have a riding lesson, I think I am going to discuss this with my trainer and reevaluate some things.

This being said, today when I rode, I was getting frustrated and Ben's lack of progress and unwillingness to cooperate. I tried to keep calm and just keep asking him for what I wanted him to do until he submitted. Eventually he complied, but I felt like we were just fighting the whole time and that's not how I want to ride.

Once I had him working forward and willing I worked on lots and lots of transitions:

Walk - Halt - Walk - Halt.

Walk - Trot - Walk -Trot.

Trot - Canter - Trot - Canter.

Walk - Canter - Walk - Canter.

In between each transition I would only allow him to move 3-5 strides in the new gait. This kept him very alert so that he would anticipate what I was asking of him. It also allowed me to diminish my aides so at times all I would have to do was to think about the transition and it would occur. This is how a well-trained horse is supposed to preform. Horse and rider and in such great communication with each other that to an on-looker it would seem that the rider is doing nothing, but in actuality what they are doing is a culmination of many many patient days in the saddle schooling the horse to become sensitive to the aides. All of this take a great deal of time and effort on both parts. But I guess, that is what I love about riding. There is always room for improvement when aiming for perfection!

Search the Clouds

The weather was a little crazy while I was riding this afternoon. All of a sudden a huge black cloud came sweeping across the sky and dumped rain. It was SO LOUD pounding on the metal roof of the indoor arena that it startled both Ben and I. Luckily I had already been riding for 35 minutes and had achieved the goal I had set out for today so I decided I should get off before I got bucked off and let Ben free lunge around the arena. He had a great time kicking up his heels and ripping around the arena at top speed without his saddle and bridle on. It was great to be able to watch him run around free and really made me appreciate what a beautiful animal he is and how thankful I am to own a horse again. I look forward to the time each week that I get to spend with him. It's such a blessing to be back on track with what I LOVE to do!

More paintings by Kim McElroy can be viewed at Spirit of Horse.

Remembering Toasted

Today marks eight years since my childhood horse, Toasted Chance, passed away. I thought about her as I went on a trailride this afternoon with Ben. We rode on the same trails that I used to ride her on. I feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to own her and even more blessed to own another horse today. Because of Toasted, horses will always hold a special place in my heart and I hope that I will never have to span as much time without them as I have in the past 7 1/2 years. When I got home this evening I looked through my journal and read the entry I wrote on the day she passed away. In her remembrance, I'd like to post it here to share with you.

"Thank You for Teaching Me"

For the last 10 years we have spent together

Walking through fields,

Hiking on trails,

Swimming in the ocean,

Jumping over obstacles,

Dodging tree limbs,

Fancying ourselves up for a show,

Prancing to music,

We have become ONE.

ONE HEART, ONE SOUL, ONE MIND.

Thank you for listening to all of my complaints,

For letting my tears fall over your shoulder,

For making me smile when no one else could.

For teaching me love, trust, companionship,

Confidence, courage, responsibility, dedication,

The value of hardwork, and to listen with

My whole body and soul.

You have altered my life in so many ways.

Each decision that I look back on making over the

Past 10 years held you in mind.

I wouldn't be who I am today without your presence in my life.

Now that you are gone I feel empty.

I hope you know that no one wil be able to take your place in my heart.

I only pray that we will be able to meet again someday.

With you by my side,

Together we will ride,

Through valleys and hills left untried!

I'm sorry I had to be the one to make the decision to let you go.

Please forgive me for what I have done,

I just couldn't bear to see you suffer so.

Wherever I go now in life without you

I'll always remember your

Soft nicker,

Gentle nudge,

Wet kisses,

The smell of you in the rain,

The slickness of your coat just after a bath.

But most importantly the way you'd always make me laugh!

Thank you, Toasted, for teaching me!