Tonight I was in tears as I found myself stuck at a crossroads. In one arm I was holding a stack of equestrian books and in the other I was carrying my almost 4 week old baby.
I dedicatedly rode my horse until I was 5 months pregnant with every hope to continue riding after my baby was born and my body was recovered. But unfortunately Ben coliced and died unexpectedly right when I was about to put my riding career on hold. Having him taken away from me so suddenly really made me upset and wonder for what reason this was all occurring. It took me a long time to come to terms with his death and I think what really got me through it all was the fact that I had no choice but to give up riding for the time being since I was 5 months pregnant and it was just getting too risky and uncomfortable.
But tonight as I held my sweet baby in my arms and the pile of books in the other I knew there was no way I could handle both at the same time. No matter how hard I tried one was going to slip out of my hands. Knowing I could never drop my baby and that his life is more important, I was forced to let all my books topple to the floor and as I did so it brought tears to my eyes. It was like I was closing a door on something that I have loved to do for so long and was now being forced down a new road that didn't seem to have an end in sight.
While I do enjoy being a mom it's truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There are many days that I absolutely hate it and just want to give it all up. But I've never felt that way about horses. The more I learn about them I just want to learn even more. Even after having a rough ride or bad fall, I want to get right back on and try again. Horses are my passion and for a long time have been my outlet.
Now with trying to raise 3 boys I feel like I don't have anytime to be ME anymore and am loosing myself in the process. Motherhood is truly the most selfless act of service you can do since it requires so much of your time.
I am truly grateful for my mother and all that she sacrificed to raise her five kids. I don't know how she did it or if she ever felt like me, because there are many days that I truly don't like the mom that I am and feel like I'm just doing such a horrible job. Patience is not one of my fortes and I am tried with this on a daily basis. I'm sure, or at least I'm hoping, that things will get better as my boys age and I'll be allowed to have more free time to be able to discover my true self and talents once again.
But for now I guess the scale has tipped and the books will remain scattered across the floor. Hopefully with time I'll be able to start picking them up and discovering myself again....
